No Grit, No Pearl

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Every morning when my alarm goes off and Richard Marx starts crooning, ‘hold onto the night’, I stretch over to Olive and plant a big kiss on her head, I sit up in bed and say out loud “Good morning, God” and I smile, it’s in that moment I make the decision to be happy and have one hell of a super, far out, tuned in, wonderful day.
And ya know something, it works.
I’ve been through some rough stuff. The last few years have been what most could describe as hell. I however, no longer choose to look at my life that way. And when I decided to stop wallowing, when I let go of the role of the victim, when I realized I chose this life.. When I realized the nitty gritty of all the heartbreaks I had endured where eerily similar lessons I kept missing by a long shot.. I changed. Right down to the core.
Basically, the transformation happened because I grew tired of my own bullshit.
I’ve worked hard to become the girl I am today. I like her. And I look forward to the girl I’ll become tomorrow.
You see, everyday and every moment you have the power to make it, break it, be it, own it. Whoever and whatever you want.. You have every ounce of capability of becoming it and making it happen.
Sure, life is hard as hell sometimes. It can be downright cruel. But the pain, the heartache, the unfairness of it all, It will all make sense someday. And it’s essential.. It’s what grows you. Feel it. Embrace it. And if need be.. Start making the steps to Change it.
Sometimes, your heart has to break several times in order for it to open.
I’ll let you in on the big whopper of a secret:
The world can only change from within.
Once you grow tired of yours and the worlds bologna… Once you start accepting, loving what is and breaking down those walls… It’s like the world transforms right along with you. You begin attracting new and wonderful experiences and people into your life.
I’m walking, talking proof.
Xo
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Be

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Over the past year; In my search for uncovering who I am, In my studies of spirituality and quest for all things uplifting and something.. More.
I have come to know for sure, without a single solitary doubt that we are all energy.
Regardless if we recognize this or choose to believe it.. It is universal law. The energy that is guiding the stars is in beautiful synchronicity, in turn, guiding us.
And that energy of ours.. Creates the life we see and all that we experience.
It’s beautiful simplicity, really…
Like attracts like.
You do not attract what you want, but WHO you ARE.
Change your energy, and your whole world will change.
Change your intention, and change your path.
Who are you? Really? Deep down to the heart,the nitty-gritty, bare bones of you, who is there?
What is your intent? Do you have one?
These are all questions I am slowly but surely discovering the answers to.. And it’s a beautiful, beautiful thing.
Vibes, my friends (energy), speaks a whole hell of a lot louder than words.
You want change.. Be it.
You want to be happy. Be.
You want kindness. Be.
You want love. Be.
You want honesty. Be.
You want forgiveness. Be.
You want good vibes.. Be.
…..become who you are….
You, yes you are absolutely wonderful in so many wondrous ways.
Be

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Life is a wild ride, isn’t it? It’s a crazy, inconsistent, ironically beautiful and ambiguous kind of wild.
Be wild right along with it.
Go with it.
Stop judging. Stop controlling and just… Flow with it.
Stop complaining.
Leave it. Change it or accept it.
All else is complete ridiculousness.
Forgive. Love the people who have hurt you or don’t. It’s that simple.
But if you choose love, and I hope you do (even if from a far) you must learn to love them at their level. Love them in a way they can receive it. If you do this.. You’ll never feel empty or unreturned in love.
Embrace the wild truth that life is only ever lived RIGHT.NOW!
Your past, it’s a story.
Your future, who the hell knows?!?
Your life, is only ever now.
The present moment is all that’s ever available to you and within it holds everything.
Start enjoying it.
Deflate the pity party balloons and take down the streamers.
Put that magnificent smile on and join the real party happening right now! It’s crazy wicked wild amounts of fun.
C’est la fucking vie!
Que sera sera!
And namaste.
Always, always, always!

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We lose ourselves in the silliest things…
Drama, the insatiable need to be right, assumption, nonsensical one up’ings, image, worry, competition, revenge, the he said the she said, ego…

Psssst: It’s all bullshit.

Live for the beautiful moments. The sweet nothing’s. Lose yourself in your passions. Have passion and a lot of it. Never touch a damn thing with half your heart.
Speak of beauty.
Tell all your beautiful stories.
Celebrate everything.
Allow yourself to be moved. Frequently.
Fall in love with people and places and things.
Talk about the rights and silence the wrongs.
Cut the bullshit. There’s beauty to be had here, damn it.
Now.

Powerless

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“Rian, you CAN NOT change him. Imagine for a minute, that you have a hula hoop around you. The ONLY thing in life you have control over is what’s inside that space…. YOU. That’s it. That’s all the control you have, had and will ever have.”
And… Just like that…Something *clicked*. Right then and there, in the aftermath of beautiful truth, I was never the same.
For 30 some odd years I had this…falsified idea that I was in control, that I could change people, that I could somehow…change their minds, save them, show them, mold them, guide them… *swallows* control them.
I…was…controlling. (I hate to admit it) but I was..
I sought control out of everything in my life. Every aspect. I was rigid. Uptight and my strungs? Waaaay up high.
The moment I realized that it was all a ruse was the moment I grew tired of all my own bullshit and decided to change.
You have such power, such incredible power to take control of your own life, your experiences, your happiness, your destiny, what comes in and goes out of your life but that’s it, my friend.
Every Fairy God Mother, Genie in the lamp and witch had their limitations on who/when/where their power would work and it’s no different for us.
You can not control others. Not your lover, not your friends, not your children.
Allow them to be who they are. Stop loving the person you’ve devised in your head as to who you wish them to be.
No expectation. Love them for all that they are and all that they aren’t.
With lovers and friends, if you can’t do this.. You need to let them go.
Do not ever go into a relationship believing they will change or that you can change them. You’ll only end up miserable. Take my word and run with it, my friend. Accept them or walk.away.
We have no control over situations either. Only our experience of it. We have no control over other people’s actions or plans changing. So go with flow and enjoy the adventure in it.
The beauty in all of this is that in having no control over other people, people have no control over us.
We get to decide. We get to exist on our terms and we get to choose. We get to choose everything! From our jobs, friends, lovers, experiences and mood.
No one can decide how today is going to be for you. Only you. People, places, things.. They are as they are.
Look around you, it is as it is.
Accept it. Decide how you want to live your life. Be unwavering about it. Stop giving the power unto others to make or break your days.
Don’t allow others to take away anything, your happiness, enthusiasm, passions, beliefs.. They are yours and yours alone.
You got the power, baby! You’re in charge, only for you.
Save that energy, let go of control.
And make you and your life something much like magic.

Easy Come, Easy Go

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Take it nice and easy.
Slow it down.
Take your time.
Enjoy it.
…..everything…..
What on earth is the rush?
Life is at your leisure.
Yes, darling. Time flies, but you’ve forgotten that you’re the pilot. Put that shit on cruise control.
Take it all in and see the greatness.
Sure, the Jammie’s may have to come off but your mind and your spirit sure can always stay comfy.
Life is not happening to you.
It’s happening for you.
Take a little time to see that.
Unless we all quit our jobs, stop paying our mortgages and start a revolution, we have to work.. So stop complaining about it. Rather, decide to enjoy it and be grateful as it feeds you, clothes you and houses you.
Do your work with purpose and intent. Slow down and do what needs to done and let it go.
Rest. Often.
Let go of resentment.
Whoever said revenge and animosity is sweet obviously never tasted the yumminess of forget about it.
Stop allowing others to affect you. Stop allowing people and situations to determine your isness.
Accept the as-is-ness of whatever it is and be as you are.
Be kind. Be warm.
If it’s not returned who the hell cares?!? You’re not the crabby asshole. Pat yourself on the back.
Then, Forget about it.
On lazy Sundays we take time to slow down and savor.
We savor our coffee, our meals, we savor our time, we savor the weather, whatever it may be, we savor our loved ones.
Nothing, not even our menial chores or a negative person can ruin the day for us.
What changes?
Live like this everyday.
Do what you must. Do what you can.
Take it moment by moment. Day by day.
Stop looking forward to getting whatever it is, done. You’re not done. You will be. Just.. Do.
Then, when it’s done…Forget about it.
You may have a million and a half things to get done….they will wait. I promise.
Lose yourself in the moment.
Give your moments all of your attention and intention.
You’ll be amazed at how much easier and enjoyable it all becomes.
Slow down!
Enjoy!
Savor, savor, savor!
Taste the yumminess of forgetting about all the bologna and negativity.
Take it easy, baby.
And have yourself a super, far out, incredible, beautiful week ahead.
xo.

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Fall in love…
Fall for the ordinary, the most simplest of things and the honest moments.
My loves are many, I fall frequently and repeatedly.
They are, but not limited to:
The first stretch in the morning.
Waking up to the sunlight dancing in through my windows.
The sound of rain on my tin awnings.
The first sip of coffee in the morning.
Hot showers.
A forgotten song that stops me in my tracks.
A kind strangers smile.
“Hello, how do you do’s?”
Leo’s sleepy smile and the way he wiggles and stretches his sleepies out.
The way he says “momma”
His sweet smooches
Dance offs in the living room.
When he grabs ahold of my legs and hugs so tightly and says “my Momma”
Everything Leo is and everything he will be.
“Good morning, beautiful” messages.
Any message, any call from him.
To look at him and see him already staring.
His kisses.
His smile.
His embrace.
Dancing with him, in the kitchen.
Holding hands.
Dreaming about the future.
Men’s Cologne.
A good meal.
A cold soda pop.
Silliness.
Neapolitan ice cream sandwiches.
Afternoon coffee with baileys.
Late night and early morning honest conversations.
A change of heart, a change of mind.
Laughing with my girlfriends.
My grandmothers hugs.
Autumn leaves falling like burning embers, dancing in the wind.
Sunsets and sunrises
The first flower buds in the spring.
A new outfit.
The truth.
Rawness. Realness.
A fridge full of food
French fries.
Beautiful synchronicities.
Serendipity.
Plopping down on the sofa after cleaning my house.
Puppy dogs kisses.
The smell of Nag Champa, patchouli and ambrosia oil.
Hippie Gypsy jewelry.
Good memories of my Momma.
The smell of vanilla fields.
The way my daddy kisses the top of my head.
The first snow fall.
Listening to my Grandfathers jokes and the way he smiles when he makes others laugh.
Fireplaces and big cozy blankets.
Roseanne reruns and John Goodman.
Records.
Seeing a person eyes light up and there passions dance as they discuss them.
Seeing lovers love.
Old couples holding hands.
Belly laughs and ear to ear smiling.
Watching people dance without a care in the world.
Seeing someone’s dream come true.
Butterflies in the tummy.
Weakness in the knees.
Getting lost in a good book.
Check marking things off my to-do-list.
Going to a film.
A comment on my writings.
Epiphanies.
Nostalgia.
The way inspiration hits me and I can’t help myself and I just have to write.
Whiskey warmth and tingles.
Good hair days.
Comfy clothes.
Handwritten letters and little notes.
Polaroid pictures.

Fall in love with as many things as possible.
List your loves.
Be reminded how full and absolutely beautiful your heart and this life is.
Love the crap out of everything and act out of that place every moment of every day.

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Yesterday afternoon without any warning, with no real catalytic event I allowed myself to become outrageously overwhelmed at nothing and everything simultaneously.
That’s right, I allowed it.
And because of that my afternoon turned to shit and it leaked into my evening.
And I did it to myself.
I chose to listen to my inner saboteur.
I chose to believe the negative thoughts and from there, snowballed.
What silliness.
I laid awake for ever so long wondering why on earth I got so unbalanced and after a good long while, laughed at myself in all my ridiculousness.
We all have our moments.
Chill.
It’s gonna be ok.
Chill.
You can’t do everything at once.
Chill.
You can’t please everyone.
Chill.
Some people are turds.
Chill.
Bad moods happen.
Chill.
Bad days happen.
Chill.

Have a wonderful weekend my friends. Take some time to chill out and enjoy the hell out of yourself.
Pay no mind to the negative.
Pick only the positive thoughts.
Pour yourself a glass of something strong and *cheers* to sometimes being utterly ridiculous.
After all, we are only human.
Xo

Lucky stars.

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Last night, after the day started winding down, after all the hot wheel races had been raced, dinner had been devoured, bob was done buildin, dancin shoes had been danced right off, all the love had been made, the kisses sealed, signed, and delivered, heart was swept up, up and away and was somewhere up amongst the clouds and baby boy snores were echoing through the hallways of my little home, I laid my head down and turned on pandora to Garth crooning about unanswered prayers.
And as I drifted off to sleep I thanked The divine for me those of mine that were left unanswered.
All the things I had hoped wholeheartedly for.. The ones that made my praying knees ache, all those worn out beads on my rosary..
What a blessing they weren’t granted.
I’ve been so blessed my whole life through, though I’ve hoped for things I’ll never get, I’ve always gotten that which I need.
Those times I’ve gone without it’s always came in some way or another in perfect timing.
Had all my prayers been answered I wouldn’t be here, right now.
And right now, just as it is… I can’t think of a time I’ve ever been happier.
In my struggles the past few years, I found myself down ever so low.. there at my bottom after awhile, I started looking up and I built a foundation to which I started to grow. I made the changes I needed to make and I spent a great deal of time alone; To which I am eternally grateful.
I stopped looking back and focused forward. I let go of which was lost and opened myself up to anew.
Keep looking up.
Never get discouraged.
Never look back unless it’s to see how far you’ve come. It’ll only distract you from the beautiful and all powerful present.
Never ever stop trusting that life is working for you and not against you. Believe that life is in your favor even with those unanswered prayers.
Trust that they are one of life’s greatest gifts.. For something far greater is waiting.
A year or so ago, after letting go of the things that were no longer meant for me, I stopped praying those empty unfulfilled prayers, Instead, I made a list of what I wished to attract into my life.
I found that list this morning, folded and tucked away in my wallet and I’ll be damned if every last thing listed isn’t something very much present in my life today.
Let go of all those unanswered prayers, darling.
Be grateful.
Focus always forward with that chin up.
Far better things are coming.
Better than you can even fathom.
Have the courage to change, the courage to ask and the courage to be.
Remember, you mustn’t forget, you attract what you are. Always be becoming better and always believe in your lucky stars.. For Sometimes, they know better

Happy Grateful Heart

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I want to implore you to read this… Read it twice or three times over and allow yourself to soak in every last word on this picture here.
I want to ask you to not only try it but to believe it.
I’m here, telling you that it absolutely works.
The very second I began trying to let go of any & all expectation and made the trade for thankfuls was the moment my life began changing for the better.
Sure, I slip up. I’m only human. I get pissed. I get jealous. I get offended. I get disappointed when things don’t go my way… But, it’s a hell of a lot less frequent than it once was.
Because of that, my life is so much more free and filled with frequent explosions of absolute joy.
My most frequent joys are found in the smallest little moments. The most simplest little things.
My thankfuls explode all around me like confetti thrown up in the air with moments that make my heart “pitter-patter”
These moments include but are not limited to:
Watching my son lose himself in play and the sound of his delicious laughter.
His sweet little hugs and tender little kisses.
My heavens, am I ever thankful for that amazing little soul. How very blessed I am to be his Mommy.

When the boy I love takes my hand and spins me around and we dance… Oh man, what that does to my heart is…unexplainable.
And his kisses.. With each and every one my heart beats to the rhythm of “thank you. thank you. thank you”.
How very grateful I am for that man coming into my life.

Laughing with girlfriends. The kind of laughter where we can’t even speak and little inside jokes are born.. Forever to be brought up to lift each other’s spirits.
How fortunate I am to have such amazing friendships and incredibly beautiful women, inside and out in my life.

Deep conversations with my Father. My sweet Grandmothers laughter. My little sisters sweetness and giving spirit. My Grandpa’s stories and my Mothers memory.
How truly grateful I am for the roots and wings I’ve been given.
Happy. Grateful. Heart.
Get thankful! It’s totally magic.