To the Rian I could have been


:day 2:

To the Rian I could have been,
There you are sweet girl, living your dreams. In your quaint little home, apron on preparing supper for your beloved husband who will be coming in the door any moment. Your two children at play over yonder, their sweet laughter bouncing off the walls and the smell of homemade cherry pie lingering in the air all around you.
Your book cover framed in the front room and your bags packed to go meet Oprah Winfrey to speak about your story and receive the honor of becoming a part of her prestigious book club. Your words you weave create your living and you know your story has helped aide in so many others to change for the better.
No longer beating the clock in the 9 to 5 you wake up early and create pretty little sentences over coffee and spend the rest of the day learning to garden and watching your children play. You have love that runs deep, a best friend, a partner, a lover to laugh and share in this beautiful life with. Someone to help catch this drift and dream new dreams and enjoy the one you are living.
Wouldn’t it be nice……
That’s not quite how it’s all worked out.
But… it’s ok.
Darling, we have been unlucky in love. We thought so much we had found it but it turned out we only had it for a little while but we were able to catch it just long enough to kiss it before it went away. That love we had brought into this world the most beautiful little soul. And within him in lies the very best of him and the very best you and he is the very best thing Rian, the very best thing in this whole wide world, your little boy. Trust me in that he takes the cake. His love and sharing life in being his momma is the ultimate and he has and will continue to teach you a love that is unearthly.
Yes, you do it alone. But you do it. I don’t know how some days but with each setting sun it all gets done. That picture perfect, Leave it to Beaver dream you dreamed may not have all the details. But baby, your picture still is pretty god damn perfect. You have that home you always wanted and its simple and oh so beautiful. Saturday mornings may not be spent with you hanging laundry out on the line and the love of your life mowing the lawn. Instead it’s spent with you behind the mower with your son at play in the yard. There is no garden, there is just simply not enough time quite yet to turn that purple thumb green. The laundry piles up most weeks but it’s clean and you have clothes.
We haven’t given up on love, my dear. We have tried and tried again and despite the cowboys who have rode away, each of them has left your heart so full. Each has taught you so much about life and love. Each, if even for a moment brought you so much happiness.
We haven’t written that book yet baby. But we will. You see we are in the midst of pleasing progress. Though there are days we feel as if we are moving like a tortoise through molasses, when we look how very far we’ve come, we can’t help but smile. You see, that book you wrote was good honey but the words in which we will lay down to rest after all we have seen and all we have experienced and all the shifts and shakes that make us into who we are today and who we may be tomorrow, they will be nothing short of extraordinary. That story we have dreamed of telling since we were that little bright eyed little girl, the ending made a surprising turn. The Story that begun with a spirit under the vexation of other’s addiction is now living an ending of a spirit free from resentment and regret. An ending is being written on forgiveness and acceptance and a lesson on love in its purest form, void of condition. A story not of ruin but of what can rise from those ruins. A story of transformation.
Life may not be the living embodiment of all our good intentions and dreams but those best of intentions baby, have weaved a pretty damn good life as it is.
That book will still one day be framed, that cherry pie can still be baked, that garden may be full of weeds but it’s perfect for dinosaur hunting and the sound of laughter still bounces off the walls around you and the love between you and your little boy fill up the spaces between them and as for the love of your life, there’s no doubt in my mind that he is on his way.
Our life didn’t go as planned but Rian, it’s totally ok.
It’s better than ok. It’s absolutely beautiful, messy, marvelous and at times hard but still yet very happy.
All my love,
The Rian who is.


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